Therapy is one of those things where I both love and hate it. I've been going ever since I was roughly 12. I've seen the same therapist for the past 8 years now after being hospitalized and am happy our twice a week sessions are now down to once a month. I remember being an angry, gothy teenager and flipping out at my therapist about more or less why was she always doing that whole "and how does that make you feel?" thing, because damn, were you not listening??? And she told me something that didn't make sense to me then, but definitely does now that I'm older. More or less, she said it was less about her comprehend the issues I was struggling with and more about giving me agency to voice these frustrations when I spent my whole life bottling them all up. And I think that's something a lot of people, especially women and female-presenting folks, struggle with - the whole trying to express yourself without being handwaved at and shoved aside.
That said, I've also been in a similar situation to you when I was younger where abuse unfolded with a damn spotlight on it and again... "but how does that make you feel?" Like no, stop. This is not ok. How about we not ask that and actually do something that will help.
I also read an article last year about anger management and therapy. Something about how not only are a lot of therapists not equipped to properly handle it, but also the psychology of the more abusive clients can make therapy sessions just... not effective. And therapists being treated no differently from said abuser's victims. It's just a mess no matter how you look at it.
And then there's the fact that if you don't have a therapist, getting one that's not booked out to the following year is like finding a unicorn, let alone scheduling time that actually fits in your schedule.
Before ever seeing a therapist, I saw someone when I was really little (like 5 or 6) who was like... not a doctor, but like a sleep therapist? I don't know I lived in a super rich, white neighborhood for 8 years and they had access to shit like this. Anyhow, I've probably mentioned this before, but I had extremely vivid nightmares as a kid for no reason. I'd be terrified to go to sleep and wake up most nights crying. And not like scary monsters under my bed types of things. Like... some Twin Peaks-y bullshit rolled with eldritch horrors and stuff. And everything was so real, even down to the sounds and sensations. And this sleep person tried to help me cope with it by drawing pictures of what happened in my dreams and then crumpling up the paper. It was to help teach myself that it wasn't real, that by recreating it and getting comfortable with those dark parts of my mind, I could come to terms with the nightmares and be less petrified by them.
It helped me so much. I was so happy to sleep again and have fewer nightmares. And even the ones I did have, it was less intense than before.
Even when I dove into fandom, I found comfort in those unsettling stories. Not because I wanted my faves to be miserable and suffer forever, but because it was so damn comforting to see someone I admired also struggle with something I dealt with. I felt so much less alone in those moments and that meant more to me than millions of fluffy novels.
And with so many people lately coming out to blow their purity whistles from the purity police, it makes me livid.
We all live differently, come from various walks of life along with having wildly different interests. To command anyone how they should go about it, whether it's ships or what you're ordering for lunch, is not ok.
I love fandom. I've been able to explore my sexuality and gender identity through it. I've met fabulous people such as yourself through it. I've found solid ground when everything else was collapsing. I've never felt more accepted anywhere else but fandom. Hell, when I told my therapist like... 4 or 5 years ago about fanfics when I got back into writing them, she thought it was AMAZING. She loved to know there were supportive communities like that where we could create and share with one another. Legit every sessions she asks about my fics. It makes me so happy.
And I know my version of fandom isn't the same blend everyone else consumes. I find comfort in those shadows now, because I made friends with the monsters that horrified me. It's not about being edgy or whatever to me; it's about reminding myself I'm not the only one struggling with reality and if those other characters made it, then maybe I can, too.
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Date: 2019-02-14 08:27 pm (UTC)Therapy is one of those things where I both love and hate it. I've been going ever since I was roughly 12. I've seen the same therapist for the past 8 years now after being hospitalized and am happy our twice a week sessions are now down to once a month. I remember being an angry, gothy teenager and flipping out at my therapist about more or less why was she always doing that whole "and how does that make you feel?" thing, because damn, were you not listening??? And she told me something that didn't make sense to me then, but definitely does now that I'm older. More or less, she said it was less about her comprehend the issues I was struggling with and more about giving me agency to voice these frustrations when I spent my whole life bottling them all up. And I think that's something a lot of people, especially women and female-presenting folks, struggle with - the whole trying to express yourself without being handwaved at and shoved aside.
That said, I've also been in a similar situation to you when I was younger where abuse unfolded with a damn spotlight on it and again... "but how does that make you feel?" Like no, stop. This is not ok. How about we not ask that and actually do something that will help.
I also read an article last year about anger management and therapy. Something about how not only are a lot of therapists not equipped to properly handle it, but also the psychology of the more abusive clients can make therapy sessions just... not effective. And therapists being treated no differently from said abuser's victims. It's just a mess no matter how you look at it.
And then there's the fact that if you don't have a therapist, getting one that's not booked out to the following year is like finding a unicorn, let alone scheduling time that actually fits in your schedule.
Before ever seeing a therapist, I saw someone when I was really little (like 5 or 6) who was like... not a doctor, but like a sleep therapist? I don't know I lived in a super rich, white neighborhood for 8 years and they had access to shit like this. Anyhow, I've probably mentioned this before, but I had extremely vivid nightmares as a kid for no reason. I'd be terrified to go to sleep and wake up most nights crying. And not like scary monsters under my bed types of things. Like... some Twin Peaks-y bullshit rolled with eldritch horrors and stuff. And everything was so real, even down to the sounds and sensations. And this sleep person tried to help me cope with it by drawing pictures of what happened in my dreams and then crumpling up the paper. It was to help teach myself that it wasn't real, that by recreating it and getting comfortable with those dark parts of my mind, I could come to terms with the nightmares and be less petrified by them.
It helped me so much. I was so happy to sleep again and have fewer nightmares. And even the ones I did have, it was less intense than before.
Even when I dove into fandom, I found comfort in those unsettling stories. Not because I wanted my faves to be miserable and suffer forever, but because it was so damn comforting to see someone I admired also struggle with something I dealt with. I felt so much less alone in those moments and that meant more to me than millions of fluffy novels.
And with so many people lately coming out to blow their purity whistles from the purity police, it makes me livid.
We all live differently, come from various walks of life along with having wildly different interests. To command anyone how they should go about it, whether it's ships or what you're ordering for lunch, is not ok.
I love fandom. I've been able to explore my sexuality and gender identity through it. I've met fabulous people such as yourself through it. I've found solid ground when everything else was collapsing. I've never felt more accepted anywhere else but fandom. Hell, when I told my therapist like... 4 or 5 years ago about fanfics when I got back into writing them, she thought it was AMAZING. She loved to know there were supportive communities like that where we could create and share with one another. Legit every sessions she asks about my fics. It makes me so happy.
And I know my version of fandom isn't the same blend everyone else consumes. I find comfort in those shadows now, because I made friends with the monsters that horrified me. It's not about being edgy or whatever to me; it's about reminding myself I'm not the only one struggling with reality and if those other characters made it, then maybe I can, too.