The Actual Story of an Actual Video Game

GF: Did you re-arrange your living room again?

ME: Yeah, there's this Wii game that

GF: You know what, just stop talking.

ME: No, listen, I'm trying to tell you. It's an action-adventure dating sim.

GF: Okay, go on.

ME: So you're this gorgeous androgynous baby dyke, and you're trying to woo this goddess, right? But she makes you jump through hoops because she's obviously still hung up over her ex, a bara power bottom that spends most of the game looking like a furry convention reject. You think the girl you're chasing is over him and totally into you, but then she imprisons herself in crystal right next to where she's got him in some sort of underground bondage palace. And that's really messed up, but there's time travel involved, and she wants to stay flawless while you to level up your strap-on from stun to kill so that you can deliver the ultimate beatdown to the ex, who's being weird because she slept with him like a few times in college and now he won't leave her alone. I think if you win you get to repopulate the earth with her.

GF: That's convoluted yet intriguing, what's it called?

ME: The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword.

GF: I'm going home.