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Re: 2019 Weekly Writing Log, Part Eleven
Nov. 25th, 2019 08:33 amThe main thing I did last week was to have a series of escalating panic attacks. The situation got so intense that I bought a set of razor blades and cut my wrists, forearms, and stomach to shreds.
I'm fine now, and that's the crazy thing - I'm usually fine. My neutral resting state is "I may not know exactly what's going on but I'm enjoying myself and happy to be here." I'm super chill most of the time, and I have a relatively high tolerance for people's bullshit. Like honestly, I wouldn't be able to teach or deal with academic publishing and conferences if I were so delicate that any gust of wind could blow me over. And yeah, I've been upset about things before, but not this upset.
This is generally the point at which people start saying stupid things, like, "Have you tried therapy" or "Maybe medication would work." The assumption that I'm too ignorant or lazy for that to have already occurred to me is ridiculously insulting, but also, the problem is the hostile workplace environment that's triggering this response. I can do all the drugs and workshops and support groups there are to do - and I am!! - but it still won't change the fact that I'm trapped in a bizarre cycle of abuse that is completely beyond my power to correct or control at this point.
I'm going to try to write about what's going on in a general way. From an outside perspective, it's actually kind of amusing, and I'm hoping that it will help me process what happened last week.
Also, I'm getting sick of people telling me "But you seem so normal!" when I try to explain that I'm having trouble. I'm doing the best I can, but nothing about this situation is normal.
I'm fine now, and that's the crazy thing - I'm usually fine. My neutral resting state is "I may not know exactly what's going on but I'm enjoying myself and happy to be here." I'm super chill most of the time, and I have a relatively high tolerance for people's bullshit. Like honestly, I wouldn't be able to teach or deal with academic publishing and conferences if I were so delicate that any gust of wind could blow me over. And yeah, I've been upset about things before, but not this upset.
This is generally the point at which people start saying stupid things, like, "Have you tried therapy" or "Maybe medication would work." The assumption that I'm too ignorant or lazy for that to have already occurred to me is ridiculously insulting, but also, the problem is the hostile workplace environment that's triggering this response. I can do all the drugs and workshops and support groups there are to do - and I am!! - but it still won't change the fact that I'm trapped in a bizarre cycle of abuse that is completely beyond my power to correct or control at this point.
I'm going to try to write about what's going on in a general way. From an outside perspective, it's actually kind of amusing, and I'm hoping that it will help me process what happened last week.
Also, I'm getting sick of people telling me "But you seem so normal!" when I try to explain that I'm having trouble. I'm doing the best I can, but nothing about this situation is normal.
