The Affective Dysphoria of Fandom
Aug. 19th, 2016 07:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rynlingThis is what the emotional process of creating a story has become for me: 20% is the exhilarating freedom of writing, 20% is the intellectual challenge of editing, and 60% is the crushing depression of being ignored.
I'm getting fewer notes now than I was when I first started posting fic more than a year ago, and fandom has started to make me feel angry and bitter and lonely. Each time I post a new chapter of my current story it's like facing down the barrel of a gun, and that gun shoots every bad thought I've ever had about myself: You're not good enough, you have no talent, you have no friends, people don't like you, you're just embarrassing yourself, everyone is laughing at you, your writing is shit, your personality is shit, and you can't even pay people to work with you.
BUT ENOUGH OF THAT.
I just edited the outline of "The Legend of the Princess," the Zelda/Ganondorf story I've been working on since April, and I now have 23 chapters planned. I had originally intended the story to be complete at 13 chapters (and 20,000 words), but I took too long writing it and the focus shifted. What I need to do now is crank out about 300 words a day, keep each chapter capped at 1,500 to 2,000 words, and try to post a chapter a week. At the rate of four chapters a month, I should be done in four months, which means that I will have completed my second novel in two years. I mean, sure, this is a FANFIC NOVEL that I will have published ON THE INTERNET but it has a well-defined conflict and a detailed plot and two whole chapters of smut, which is all anyone could ask for really??
Still, it's worth acknowledging that this takes courage. I think it's also worth acknowledging that, once I'm done with this story, I need to figure out a better way to move forward with my writing.
I'm getting fewer notes now than I was when I first started posting fic more than a year ago, and fandom has started to make me feel angry and bitter and lonely. Each time I post a new chapter of my current story it's like facing down the barrel of a gun, and that gun shoots every bad thought I've ever had about myself: You're not good enough, you have no talent, you have no friends, people don't like you, you're just embarrassing yourself, everyone is laughing at you, your writing is shit, your personality is shit, and you can't even pay people to work with you.
BUT ENOUGH OF THAT.
I just edited the outline of "The Legend of the Princess," the Zelda/Ganondorf story I've been working on since April, and I now have 23 chapters planned. I had originally intended the story to be complete at 13 chapters (and 20,000 words), but I took too long writing it and the focus shifted. What I need to do now is crank out about 300 words a day, keep each chapter capped at 1,500 to 2,000 words, and try to post a chapter a week. At the rate of four chapters a month, I should be done in four months, which means that I will have completed my second novel in two years. I mean, sure, this is a FANFIC NOVEL that I will have published ON THE INTERNET but it has a well-defined conflict and a detailed plot and two whole chapters of smut, which is all anyone could ask for really??
Still, it's worth acknowledging that this takes courage. I think it's also worth acknowledging that, once I'm done with this story, I need to figure out a better way to move forward with my writing.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-20 02:46 am (UTC)Go you.
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Date: 2016-08-21 03:30 pm (UTC)Although it would be nice to have the Triforce of Courage, sometimes I wish I had the Triforce of Not Giving A Fuck, which honestly seems much more useful in the long run.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-21 06:27 pm (UTC)