Not Quite the Same as Survival, But
Nov. 11th, 2016 06:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rynlingI've absorbed a great deal of anger and fear over the past week.
On election day, I volunteered through a small organization to help drive people to and from their local polling stations. People told me stories about their lives and their families and the racist and sexist violence they've had to endure, and it (obviously) wasn't pleasant.
All throughout Wednesday, I volunteered again with the same organization to help drive people to work who didn't feel safe taking public transportation. No one talked much.
On Thursday I returned to my job, where I sat with people who were upset and crying. I also had to deal with a bunch of smug assholes, which was even worse.
Today, finally, I started touching base with friends. People unloaded on me, and it was both terrible and terrifying.
I've been careful not to mention it, but I've been having nightmares and panic attacks almost every day since Trump's candidacy was announced. I knew exactly who would vote for him (this is literally where I grew up), and I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn't always know that he would win.
I know what it's like to occupy a marginal position. I know what it's like to be homeless and imprisoned and beaten and raped. I know what it's like to have no hope for justice. I know what it's like to be constantly afraid of emotional and physical assault. I know what it's like to feel utterly trapped. I know the despair of people telling you to "hang in there" when every day feels like an eternity. I know what it's like to be powerless. I know what this is like because I've experienced it myself, and I don't want to live in a world where this kind of experience is normal.
I've been trying to hang on to some form of hope, but it's impossible. I try to keep telling myself it's going to be okay, but I know that things are going to become progressively less okay as time goes on. I keep telling myself that nothing is going to change in the ongoing struggle against injustice, but things are most definitely going to change. There is very little that I can do, and I'm not sure I have the strength to ride this out.
But I refuse to give up.
That being said, I am not going to write about this anymore.
On election day, I volunteered through a small organization to help drive people to and from their local polling stations. People told me stories about their lives and their families and the racist and sexist violence they've had to endure, and it (obviously) wasn't pleasant.
All throughout Wednesday, I volunteered again with the same organization to help drive people to work who didn't feel safe taking public transportation. No one talked much.
On Thursday I returned to my job, where I sat with people who were upset and crying. I also had to deal with a bunch of smug assholes, which was even worse.
Today, finally, I started touching base with friends. People unloaded on me, and it was both terrible and terrifying.
I've been careful not to mention it, but I've been having nightmares and panic attacks almost every day since Trump's candidacy was announced. I knew exactly who would vote for him (this is literally where I grew up), and I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn't always know that he would win.
I know what it's like to occupy a marginal position. I know what it's like to be homeless and imprisoned and beaten and raped. I know what it's like to have no hope for justice. I know what it's like to be constantly afraid of emotional and physical assault. I know what it's like to feel utterly trapped. I know the despair of people telling you to "hang in there" when every day feels like an eternity. I know what it's like to be powerless. I know what this is like because I've experienced it myself, and I don't want to live in a world where this kind of experience is normal.
I've been trying to hang on to some form of hope, but it's impossible. I try to keep telling myself it's going to be okay, but I know that things are going to become progressively less okay as time goes on. I keep telling myself that nothing is going to change in the ongoing struggle against injustice, but things are most definitely going to change. There is very little that I can do, and I'm not sure I have the strength to ride this out.
But I refuse to give up.
That being said, I am not going to write about this anymore.
