Not Quite the Same as Survival, But
Nov. 11th, 2016 06:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rynlingI've absorbed a great deal of anger and fear over the past week.
On election day, I volunteered through a small organization to help drive people to and from their local polling stations. People told me stories about their lives and their families and the racist and sexist violence they've had to endure, and it (obviously) wasn't pleasant.
All throughout Wednesday, I volunteered again with the same organization to help drive people to work who didn't feel safe taking public transportation. No one talked much.
On Thursday I returned to my job, where I sat with people who were upset and crying. I also had to deal with a bunch of smug assholes, which was even worse.
Today, finally, I started touching base with friends. People unloaded on me, and it was both terrible and terrifying.
I've been careful not to mention it, but I've been having nightmares and panic attacks almost every day since Trump's candidacy was announced. I knew exactly who would vote for him (this is literally where I grew up), and I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn't always know that he would win.
I know what it's like to occupy a marginal position. I know what it's like to be homeless and imprisoned and beaten and raped. I know what it's like to have no hope for justice. I know what it's like to be constantly afraid of emotional and physical assault. I know what it's like to feel utterly trapped. I know the despair of people telling you to "hang in there" when every day feels like an eternity. I know what it's like to be powerless. I know what this is like because I've experienced it myself, and I don't want to live in a world where this kind of experience is normal.
I've been trying to hang on to some form of hope, but it's impossible. I try to keep telling myself it's going to be okay, but I know that things are going to become progressively less okay as time goes on. I keep telling myself that nothing is going to change in the ongoing struggle against injustice, but things are most definitely going to change. There is very little that I can do, and I'm not sure I have the strength to ride this out.
But I refuse to give up.
That being said, I am not going to write about this anymore.
On election day, I volunteered through a small organization to help drive people to and from their local polling stations. People told me stories about their lives and their families and the racist and sexist violence they've had to endure, and it (obviously) wasn't pleasant.
All throughout Wednesday, I volunteered again with the same organization to help drive people to work who didn't feel safe taking public transportation. No one talked much.
On Thursday I returned to my job, where I sat with people who were upset and crying. I also had to deal with a bunch of smug assholes, which was even worse.
Today, finally, I started touching base with friends. People unloaded on me, and it was both terrible and terrifying.
I've been careful not to mention it, but I've been having nightmares and panic attacks almost every day since Trump's candidacy was announced. I knew exactly who would vote for him (this is literally where I grew up), and I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn't always know that he would win.
I know what it's like to occupy a marginal position. I know what it's like to be homeless and imprisoned and beaten and raped. I know what it's like to have no hope for justice. I know what it's like to be constantly afraid of emotional and physical assault. I know what it's like to feel utterly trapped. I know the despair of people telling you to "hang in there" when every day feels like an eternity. I know what it's like to be powerless. I know what this is like because I've experienced it myself, and I don't want to live in a world where this kind of experience is normal.
I've been trying to hang on to some form of hope, but it's impossible. I try to keep telling myself it's going to be okay, but I know that things are going to become progressively less okay as time goes on. I keep telling myself that nothing is going to change in the ongoing struggle against injustice, but things are most definitely going to change. There is very little that I can do, and I'm not sure I have the strength to ride this out.
But I refuse to give up.
That being said, I am not going to write about this anymore.
no subject
Date: 2016-11-12 09:33 am (UTC)Please stay strong, the US and the world needs more people like you.
Also, if you ever need to take a break somewhere safer and saner, you can come stay at my place any time. Sweden is still a pretty nice place for many of those who will be vulnerable during the next term(s) in the US (eg, women, LGBTQ, immigrants). This week, the biggest non-US-election-related news and debate topic was Stockholm's attempt at "feminist snow removal".
no subject
Date: 2016-11-12 09:33 pm (UTC)No but seriously, I'm going to spend some time in Algeria and France for a work thing this summer (probably early May it looks like?), and I ain't never done been to Sweden before. I've got some money to play with that will disappear if I don't figure out a way to use it, and it would be cool to stop over for a day or two. No pressure or anything, but I will be in touch next year!!
It is my fondest hope that "feminist snow removal" involves Ghostbuster goggles and solar-powered flame throwers, because
no subject
Date: 2016-11-15 02:03 pm (UTC)Oh, if only. Right now it's about giving snow removal from sidewalks equal priority to snow removal from roads (as apparently women in Stockholm tend to walk/bike while men tend to drive), which is a good idea but would be much better executed in Ghostbuster goggles.
no subject
Date: 2016-11-12 09:20 pm (UTC)If you need someone to talk to, I am here. If you want to talk about things not-this, I will do so gladly. If you need to unburden yourself, I will gladly help you carry it.
I am here for you.
no subject
Date: 2016-11-13 05:20 pm (UTC)I don't leave a lot of comments on Dreamwidth, but I want you to know that your presence here means a great deal to me. It's so inspiring to watch you make steady progress through your life, always finding joy and meaning and never letting stupid bullshit keep you down for long.
Also, your posts on games and writing are always A+++ content.
Please stay awesome!!
no subject
Date: 2016-11-13 06:57 pm (UTC)