The Social Politics of Comment Culture
Jul. 27th, 2017 08:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rynlingI had a strange experience recently, and it's making me feel weird.
There's a guy I recently blocked on Twitter and Tumblr for the normal reasons – he was bothering me and I wanted him to leave me alone. (I wrote about this a bit earlier.)
He sent me some emails in response, but I deleted them unread for, again, the normal reasons – he was bothering me and I didn't want to deal with him.
So then he starts leaving long comments on my fic on AO3.
I felt really attacked. They weren't mean comments, exactly, but...
...but they kind of were. There were a few things he said about my writing that could have been interpreted as positive if they had been coming from a friend but which felt extremely passive-aggressive when coming from someone whose goodwill I don't trust. Also, even if these comments had been entirely positive, it's still emotionally manipulative to try to use public compliments to demand the attention of someone who clearly doesn't want to interact with you.
Now here's the problem – there has always been anxiety at the back of my mind that I'm bothering people by leaving comments on their fic or reblogging their posts with commentary in the tags. It's one thing if I'm throwing love at a stranger, but things start to get awkward if a relationship forms and then becomes one sided. At what point does it become the more respectful and compassionate thing to do to just leave someone alone?
Anyway, I deleted the guy's comments on AO3 and sent him a very short email asking him to fuck off. Of course he sent several emails in response, which I deleted unread because I have no patience for what was undoubtedly sad puppy bullshit, but hopefully this will be the end of it.
There's a guy I recently blocked on Twitter and Tumblr for the normal reasons – he was bothering me and I wanted him to leave me alone. (I wrote about this a bit earlier.)
He sent me some emails in response, but I deleted them unread for, again, the normal reasons – he was bothering me and I didn't want to deal with him.
So then he starts leaving long comments on my fic on AO3.
I felt really attacked. They weren't mean comments, exactly, but...
...but they kind of were. There were a few things he said about my writing that could have been interpreted as positive if they had been coming from a friend but which felt extremely passive-aggressive when coming from someone whose goodwill I don't trust. Also, even if these comments had been entirely positive, it's still emotionally manipulative to try to use public compliments to demand the attention of someone who clearly doesn't want to interact with you.
Now here's the problem – there has always been anxiety at the back of my mind that I'm bothering people by leaving comments on their fic or reblogging their posts with commentary in the tags. It's one thing if I'm throwing love at a stranger, but things start to get awkward if a relationship forms and then becomes one sided. At what point does it become the more respectful and compassionate thing to do to just leave someone alone?
Anyway, I deleted the guy's comments on AO3 and sent him a very short email asking him to fuck off. Of course he sent several emails in response, which I deleted unread because I have no patience for what was undoubtedly sad puppy bullshit, but hopefully this will be the end of it.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-28 11:33 am (UTC)This doesn't apply to friends, sometimes I can go a month without "talking" to online friends and it's no big deal for either of us AFAIK, life happens, not enough social energy, etc. But for more casual acquaintances, if I engage them two or three times without a response I tend to back off and let them to do their thing until they reach out to me. And by engage I mean a meaningful/lengthy AO3 or Dreamwidth comment or a post reply prompting more lengthy conversation on Tumblr--something someone would likely respond to if they were interested in chatting. YMMV. There's a big difference between being occasionally friendly and supportive to someone who is kinda somewhere else emotionally/whatever versus doggedly bugging the shit out of someone who has clearly communicated they want to be left alone.
Being blocked on a social media platform is the clearest NO someone can give you IMO. I don't understand why this is so hard for people to accept.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-28 05:43 pm (UTC)e x a c t l y
Just this morning I heard some scientist say on NPR that we are still decades away from learning how the brain works, but blocking someone on all social media is as clear of a signal of human intention as we're ever going to get.
I am with you on the friends dropping in and out of contact thing. I mean, I suppose there are rare individuals for whom constant correspondence is desirable. One of these individuals was HP Lovecraft, and look how that worked out for him.