Welcome to the Salt Mines

[rynling]

One might think I've returned to Dreamwidth because Tumblr did a thing, but actually! I got two dozen student emails at the end of the semester thanking me for how "kind" and "enthusiastic" I am, while in reality I am neither of those things. I am "kind" in the sense that I understand how to be polite to other people in a social setting, and I am "enthusiastic" about not losing my job. And "kind" and "enthusiastic" are such gendered terms, like, no one wanted to tell me that I was "brilliant" or "inspiring" or that I, you know, actually taught them things and changed the way they think about the world. Maybe this is because the students at my university have a bunch of garbage professors who genuinely don't know how to behave like human beings, and the kids therefore genuinely appreciate the fact that I'm not a complete asshole, but still. I'm not a fucking Kindergarten teacher.

What I am is the sort of person who gets a bunch of sweet emails from idealistic young people and thinks, "What a bunch of little shits, how dare they insult me by saying I'm nice."

I imagine what's happened is that, in my three decades of existing as a female-presenting person on this planet, I've had to file off my edges instead of cultivating them into sharper points. This is a shame, because my "softness" plays into gendered stereotypes and affects the way people perceive me. I am not a nurturer, and it is not my job to be a nurturer, and all the bilgewater I'm expected to swallow for the sake of nurturing people is making me sick.

But I'm also a coward, so all my bitching will go here.

And also! I finally got around to playing FFXII for the PS4, and damn it's good. I have some Feelings about the game, and I need somewhere to put them.

Comments

[lassarina]

welcome back! I have missed your sharp and salty opinions :)

[runicmagitek]

I am all for your salt mine posts. And also wow do I relate with this. I don't even work in academia and I get this shit from some of my coworkers and clients I work with. Just because my anatomy looks a certain way doesn't me I can't be brilliant or inspiring. I'd much rather be remember for anything other than being "nice." A+ salt tea, would drink again.