Genderqueer

[rynling]

"I hate lesbians," my nonbinary friend says to me with a complete absence of irony, "because I think it's disgusting how they sexualize the female body."

"I also hate gay women for... being women... and gay," I stammer, struggling to figure out the correct response.

I don't identify as male or female, but I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with the misogyny of nonbinary communities both online and in person. I'm also frustrated with the double standard that dmab nonbinary people can present their gender however they want while dfab nonbinary people all have to look like fourteen-year-old boys in order to be accepted by the community. And I'm not saying that it's wrong to enjoy or identify with a certain type of idealized androgyny, obviously, but the tyranny of The Three LGBTQ-Approved Haircuts™ is real.

I think I'm going to drop "nonbinary" and identify as "genderqueer" from here on out.

"But your gender identity is a slur!!1!"

Yeah, it sure feels that way most of the time, to be honest.

Comments

[runicmagitek]

If only DW had an option for a like or kudos button, because I'd be slamming it for this post until the day I died, even if it just screamed error messages at me after the first one.

1) it boggles my mind when people drop shit like "I hate *insert label here*" within the queer community, because identifying a certain way or being attracted to particular individuals doesn't... equate to... other things? Just because you like smooching the ladies doesn't mean you need to look or act a certain way. It just means you like smooching ladies. Why is this so hard.

2) I am so sorry you've experienced this :( it really breaks my heart. As someone who is nb, I kind of just want to punch these chucklefucks in the face for being ignorant, hateful idiots. Just because you're queer doesn't mean you get a free pass on being an asshole. Shocker, I know.

3) I laughed so hard over the tyranny of The Three LGBTQ-Approved Haircuts™ that I won't be surprised if a moose comes knocking on a door mistaking That Sound I Made as a mating call, because oh my god can we talk about this????? I loaaaaaaathe how In Order To Be Queer, you need to dye your hair or have a particular shaved head or be ready for a Justin Bieber lookalike contest. Like fuck off with that shit. I got into an argument with someone (former friend ugh I'm so good at scaring off my straight friends...) last year when he mentioned how someone in our group of friends who recently came out as genderfluid wasn't "dressing like her gender" and.... well, you know me well enough that I'm sure you can imagine the PowerPoint dissertation I whipped up in a hot minute to prove his oblivious ass wrong. Or hell, I remember two or three years ago I had a conversation with a coworker and I mentioned my boyfriend and she said, and I fucking quote, "Oh... I didn't realize you had a boyfriend. You look like a lesbian."



Honestly, I don't know how I didn't murder her. But legit. Just because I have super short hair, don't wear make-up, and wear non-feminine clothes doesn't mean I exclusively smooch certain types of people what the fuck is wrong with you guys.

Even before I realized nonbinary was a thing (I'm more partial to gendernope, if given the option, but I also don't like how agender sounds, not to mention that opens up waaaaaaay too many questions from the cis crowd that I never signed up to answer), I always dressed like the punk goth village witch. And I still do that... just less form-fitting shirts and shit. I'm not here for this bow tie and button down shirts bullshit.

4) If I had a dime for every time I heard "But your gender is a sLuR1!1!1one" I wouldn't need a job anymore, I swear.... Fuck off, let me be the nonbinary queer thing with glasses.

5) You're awesome and I love being able to bond with you over quality queer shit ♥

[runicmagitek]

Semi-relevant, but I figured you'd appreciate it, I have this lovely pin on my backpack, right next to The Wives:



And lemme tell ya, I got so many compliments on it when I went to PAX East that I lost track. I even got into this awesome conversation with a sweet girl on the shuttle bus one morning over it (she also loved another pin I have, which is an SNES controller with GAY spelled out in the buttons, which are colored accordingly to the bi pride flag, because I'm That Person). So yeah, for every time I see some rando on tumblr crying about calling yourself queer, there are countless people I've encountered who embrace it like us, so we're not alone :D

[lassarina]

there's a difference between a word one uses to describe oneself and a pejorative description applied by people not in the group. I use queer to reference myself and I'll fucking fight anyone who wants to take that from me. I am queer! Deal with it!

....I'm amazed you didn't haul off and punch that person, honestly, how fucking gross. I don't hate lesbians for sexualizing women. I hate straight men for it. FOR VERY GOOD REASON.

[rynling]

P R E A C H !! I T !!

A lot of the people I have these conversations with are good friends whom I respect and admire. I am so in awe of their community engagement and activism, and I think the work they do is vital and important. I also saw this tweet saying "the queers who were nice/patient/gentle all got shot or bullied to death all that's left r me & the other pissed-off cockroach motherfuckers" and felt so seen and validated.

But also, I didn't like the gatekeeping in the LGBTQ+ community ten years ago when I first came out as queer, and I still don't like it now.

Just because we both know her, I think it's okay for me to say that I was absolutely floored when I saw people trying to "call out" auronlu for identifying as queer on Tumblr in late 2017. I wanted to be like, Does this child know who they're talking to?! Like, Steven Universe did not invent gay rights in 2013, for fuck's sake.

I never thought I would get old, but sometimes I just want these kids to get off my queer lawn because they are stomping on my queer grass and harshing my queer mellow.

[lassarina]

....good holy fucking God I. Fucking wow. Leave Auronlu alone.

I'm over gatekeeping in all its forms, tbh. Welcome others! Share the playground! It doesn't make you less, it makes us all more :(