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Good Enough
Dec. 27th, 2019 09:27 pmMy mother’s family celebrates Christmas, and I just got back from making my annual pilgrimage to see them. I brought them copies of all the books my writing has appeared in this year, gifts from all the cities around the world that I’ve visited during the year, and holiday presents that I put a lot of time and care into picking out for them. I made appointments I didn’t need with the local doctor and dentist and vet so I could pay off their outstanding bills, and I also took them to several stores and bought them things they clearly needed, as well as their groceries and their prescriptions.
Just so that no one makes the mistake of thinking that I’m even remotely wealthy, I should probably add that I’ve spent all year budgeting and saving for this. I tried to be as lowkey about it as possible, pretending to act like they were doing me a favor by taking time out of their schedules to spend time with me and help me out with shopping and appointments. I also tried not to go overboard or to overstep any boundaries; I was just doing what you’d expect an adult child or sibling or relative to do.
And they treated me like hot garbage the whole time. Probably the less said about this the better.
I’m not trying to be a victim or fish for sympathy here. Rather, I’m telling this story to illustrate something I’ve gradually become more aware of as I’ve gotten older. For various reasons, my family has always had a very narrow idea of what “success” was supposed to look like for me; and, if I didn’t achieve that specific version of success, then they would prefer that I failed. They can’t tolerate that I achieved my own version of success (such as it is), so they’ve gone out of their way to make me feel as if I did fail.
This isn’t healthy for any of us, obviously, but I’m far from the only LGBTQ person to deal with this issue. That’s not the real point of this post. What I actually want to say is this:
My experience with my mother’s family this year helped me better understand the main issue I’m having with academia, which is that the vast majority of American universities operate according to a very narrow idea of what “success” is supposed to look like; and, if anyone – student or professor – achieves a type of success that doesn’t fit into the established model, then various parties within the institution will go out of their way to make that person feel as if they’ve failed.
Essentially, unless you meet the exact specifications of the standard academic model of success, then nothing you do will ever be good enough.
This makes me wonder about a lot of the dysfunction I’ve seen in other professors, like, are they the sort of people who somehow became convinced that their value as human beings could only be measured by the extent to which they could successfully meet the expectations of people whom they considered to be authority figures? And is there something about both grad school and the academic job market that cultivates and rewards this sort of authoritarian mentality?
In any case, I’m done. I’ve already started to make exit plans, and I intend to submit my resignation in January. My life is about to undergo a major upheaval, but I feel more at peace than I have in years.
Just so that no one makes the mistake of thinking that I’m even remotely wealthy, I should probably add that I’ve spent all year budgeting and saving for this. I tried to be as lowkey about it as possible, pretending to act like they were doing me a favor by taking time out of their schedules to spend time with me and help me out with shopping and appointments. I also tried not to go overboard or to overstep any boundaries; I was just doing what you’d expect an adult child or sibling or relative to do.
And they treated me like hot garbage the whole time. Probably the less said about this the better.
I’m not trying to be a victim or fish for sympathy here. Rather, I’m telling this story to illustrate something I’ve gradually become more aware of as I’ve gotten older. For various reasons, my family has always had a very narrow idea of what “success” was supposed to look like for me; and, if I didn’t achieve that specific version of success, then they would prefer that I failed. They can’t tolerate that I achieved my own version of success (such as it is), so they’ve gone out of their way to make me feel as if I did fail.
This isn’t healthy for any of us, obviously, but I’m far from the only LGBTQ person to deal with this issue. That’s not the real point of this post. What I actually want to say is this:
My experience with my mother’s family this year helped me better understand the main issue I’m having with academia, which is that the vast majority of American universities operate according to a very narrow idea of what “success” is supposed to look like; and, if anyone – student or professor – achieves a type of success that doesn’t fit into the established model, then various parties within the institution will go out of their way to make that person feel as if they’ve failed.
Essentially, unless you meet the exact specifications of the standard academic model of success, then nothing you do will ever be good enough.
This makes me wonder about a lot of the dysfunction I’ve seen in other professors, like, are they the sort of people who somehow became convinced that their value as human beings could only be measured by the extent to which they could successfully meet the expectations of people whom they considered to be authority figures? And is there something about both grad school and the academic job market that cultivates and rewards this sort of authoritarian mentality?
In any case, I’m done. I’ve already started to make exit plans, and I intend to submit my resignation in January. My life is about to undergo a major upheaval, but I feel more at peace than I have in years.
