2020 Resolutions, Part Two

These aren't a set of resolutions, exactly, but this is where I would like to be by the end of the year:

(1) I want to quit my job.
(2) I want to move to Philadelphia.
(3) I want my first book to be in my hands.
(4) I want progress on my second book to be well underway.
(5) I want to be in an MFA program.
(6) I want a corgi.

It might also be nice to change my name, but that's complicated.

Everything else is completely within my reach.

It feels weird to imagine myself being happy, but I think I can get used to it.

2020 Resolutions, Part Three

My main goal for this year is to do whatever it takes to get myself to a better place.

I wouldn't consider myself depressed - not by any stretch of the imagination - so this is difficult to explain. I have so much joy and ambition in my life, and I'm surrounded by wonderful and supportive friends. That being said, I'm so tired all the time that every little thing hurts, and I'm actually dealing with a lot of big things, like harassment at work and online hate crimes.

At some point during the past five years, I somehow managed to find myself in a place where I'm not just unrelentingly exhausted but also in such constant pain that any joy or happiness may as well not exist at all. As a result, I've started to have physically debilitating panic attacks as a response to ongoing toxic situations. I've done everything a person is supposed to do in order to cope with chronic anxiety, but I think what I really need to do is be more aggressive about removing myself from toxic situations.

My primary response to harassment has been to make myself as transparent as possible. I feel like, if I don't ask for help or bother anyone or rely on anyone's assistance or make myself noticeable in any way, and if I devote so much of my life to being good at my job that no one can find fault with me, then somehow people will stop being mean to me. This wasn't just the case for my professional life, but for my creative life and friendships as well, and I feel like I'm becoming invisible.

Something I'd like to devote more attention to this year is actually connecting with other people. I'm not yet sure what this will entail, but I'm going to make time to figure it out.