2020 Resolutions, Part Three

[rynling]

My main goal for this year is to do whatever it takes to get myself to a better place.

I wouldn't consider myself depressed - not by any stretch of the imagination - so this is difficult to explain. I have so much joy and ambition in my life, and I'm surrounded by wonderful and supportive friends. That being said, I'm so tired all the time that every little thing hurts, and I'm actually dealing with a lot of big things, like harassment at work and online hate crimes.

At some point during the past five years, I somehow managed to find myself in a place where I'm not just unrelentingly exhausted but also in such constant pain that any joy or happiness may as well not exist at all. As a result, I've started to have physically debilitating panic attacks as a response to ongoing toxic situations. I've done everything a person is supposed to do in order to cope with chronic anxiety, but I think what I really need to do is be more aggressive about removing myself from toxic situations.

My primary response to harassment has been to make myself as transparent as possible. I feel like, if I don't ask for help or bother anyone or rely on anyone's assistance or make myself noticeable in any way, and if I devote so much of my life to being good at my job that no one can find fault with me, then somehow people will stop being mean to me. This wasn't just the case for my professional life, but for my creative life and friendships as well, and I feel like I'm becoming invisible.

Something I'd like to devote more attention to this year is actually connecting with other people. I'm not yet sure what this will entail, but I'm going to make time to figure it out.

Comments

[lassarina]

I very much understand that impulse to be transparent/perfect. But that's a kind of self-abuse, in my mind, which I understand is a really strong way to put it, but: as humans, we aren't perfect. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes it's just that kind of day. Sometimes there's no control over the situation. But holding yourself to an impossible standard means there's no way to reach it, right? Humans are social, interrelated creatures. Not asking for help doesn't make people stop being mean to you, it just means you feel more alone when they do, I think.

I guess that's a long winded way of saying that I don't know if I can be of assistance in these situations other than listening, but I will gladly listen.

[rynling]

Not asking for help doesn't make people stop being mean to you, it just means you feel more alone when they do, I think.

Hmm, it's actually, how to put this...

I don't mind asking for help. Rather, it's incredibly painful when I ask for help only to be treated as if I'm being a problem. It's one thing if it's an impersonal institution or someone I don't know, but it's another thing entirely if it's someone I've built a relationship with.

To give an example, when I made a post about a fic kudo exchange on a Discord server for fic writers I've been a member of for a few months now, no one responded to me, not even people I've known and supported for years. It really hurt to put myself out there and to be completely ignored, you know?

Given that the end result (being ignored and not receiving the help I'm asking for) is the same, there's a cost-benefit analysis that needs to happen. The benefit would be the possibility of getting help, combined with the possibility of planting a seed that might later grow into something more substantial. Meanwhile, the cost might be that having my community turn its back on me would be the final straw to push me to my knees, which is more of a tangible reality.

A lot of my experience (with creative communities especially) has been that everyone is dealing with their own baggage, so I can't expect people to help and support me, even if I have a history of helping and supporting them. In addition, I've learned that I can't rely on people to take my side, even if they directly witness me becoming the victim of what is clearly a hate crime.

As you've written, though, it's an act of self-abuse to become so completely transparent that you feel your existence is only justified by not asking anything of anyone. What I therefore need is to get to a point where I'm emotionally stable enough to cope with rejection - or with removing myself from even the fragile support of community networks that aren't really benefiting me.

Oh man. May we all be in a better place at the end of this year.

I want to thank you for listening, though. It really means the world to me!

[lassarina]

Ah! I think I misinterpreted what kind of help you were talking about here, and I'm very sorry that misinterpretation appears to have resulted in talking out of my ass. Putting oneself out there and being ignored sucks unequivocally. I am so sorry :( In that light, yeah, I agree with the cost-benefit analysis.

It's interesting, too, how the support networks work differently in different fandoms. I've broadly found that the smaller FF fandoms (pre-7 plus Tactics) have been fairly supportive (maybe because there aren't that many of us?) and likewise, in my recent dip into a very small corner of Marvel (Winterhawk) I've found a very enthusiastic and sweet group, but other fandoms haven't seemed nearly as welcoming (*makes warding signs at Bioware*). And maybe that's just me and the particular people I tripped across? I mean, I like to think I make an effort at being supportive of the people I encounter; but also I'm only one person and, as you said we've all got baggage, and sometimes I struggle with mine. So I dunno.

in conclusion, yeah, may we all be in better places, and better situated to help each other. (One of my goals, perpetually: always lift more people, and if I can't, at least never leave them worse off than I found them, either through action or inaction.)

I am always, always happy to listen. ♥

[rynling]

I'm very sorry that misinterpretation appears to have resulted in talking out of my ass.

Oh my goodness, you did no such thing! I really appreciate and value your comments!

Something I'd really like to do when I have more time is to get back into the Final Fantasy fandom. It's sad, but I haven't had the emotional energy to play the actual games since I was in grad school, and I've missed them. I've also missed the community surrounding them, which has always been excellent.

And honestly, I think it's because of you specifically that there's still a lot of love and energy in the fandom!

[lassarina]

oh gosh *blush* well, thank you. I do try. The FF community has given me a lot of gifts including two of my best friends in the entire world, so I try to give back whatever I can.

There's a lot of delicious stuff to be had in the games too. If you ever pick up FFXIV let me know - my server is usually open to new players, and I have a good crew of friendly people who love running stuff with new folks.