rynling: (Gator Strut)
[personal profile] rynling
My main goal for this year is to do whatever it takes to get myself to a better place.

I wouldn't consider myself depressed - not by any stretch of the imagination - so this is difficult to explain. I have so much joy and ambition in my life, and I'm surrounded by wonderful and supportive friends. That being said, I'm so tired all the time that every little thing hurts, and I'm actually dealing with a lot of big things, like harassment at work and online hate crimes.

At some point during the past five years, I somehow managed to find myself in a place where I'm not just unrelentingly exhausted but also in such constant pain that any joy or happiness may as well not exist at all. As a result, I've started to have physically debilitating panic attacks as a response to ongoing toxic situations. I've done everything a person is supposed to do in order to cope with chronic anxiety, but I think what I really need to do is be more aggressive about removing myself from toxic situations.

My primary response to harassment has been to make myself as transparent as possible. I feel like, if I don't ask for help or bother anyone or rely on anyone's assistance or make myself noticeable in any way, and if I devote so much of my life to being good at my job that no one can find fault with me, then somehow people will stop being mean to me. This wasn't just the case for my professional life, but for my creative life and friendships as well, and I feel like I'm becoming invisible.

Something I'd like to devote more attention to this year is actually connecting with other people. I'm not yet sure what this will entail, but I'm going to make time to figure it out.

Date: 2020-01-04 06:42 pm (UTC)
lassarina: Alistair from Dragon Age (Alistair)
From: [personal profile] lassarina
I very much understand that impulse to be transparent/perfect. But that's a kind of self-abuse, in my mind, which I understand is a really strong way to put it, but: as humans, we aren't perfect. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes it's just that kind of day. Sometimes there's no control over the situation. But holding yourself to an impossible standard means there's no way to reach it, right? Humans are social, interrelated creatures. Not asking for help doesn't make people stop being mean to you, it just means you feel more alone when they do, I think.

I guess that's a long winded way of saying that I don't know if I can be of assistance in these situations other than listening, but I will gladly listen.

Date: 2020-01-12 06:07 am (UTC)
lassarina: (Celes: Just a Fading Dream)
From: [personal profile] lassarina
Ah! I think I misinterpreted what kind of help you were talking about here, and I'm very sorry that misinterpretation appears to have resulted in talking out of my ass. Putting oneself out there and being ignored sucks unequivocally. I am so sorry :( In that light, yeah, I agree with the cost-benefit analysis.

It's interesting, too, how the support networks work differently in different fandoms. I've broadly found that the smaller FF fandoms (pre-7 plus Tactics) have been fairly supportive (maybe because there aren't that many of us?) and likewise, in my recent dip into a very small corner of Marvel (Winterhawk) I've found a very enthusiastic and sweet group, but other fandoms haven't seemed nearly as welcoming (*makes warding signs at Bioware*). And maybe that's just me and the particular people I tripped across? I mean, I like to think I make an effort at being supportive of the people I encounter; but also I'm only one person and, as you said we've all got baggage, and sometimes I struggle with mine. So I dunno.

in conclusion, yeah, may we all be in better places, and better situated to help each other. (One of my goals, perpetually: always lift more people, and if I can't, at least never leave them worse off than I found them, either through action or inaction.)

I am always, always happy to listen. ♥

Date: 2020-02-02 08:21 pm (UTC)
lassarina: (Default)
From: [personal profile] lassarina
oh gosh *blush* well, thank you. I do try. The FF community has given me a lot of gifts including two of my best friends in the entire world, so I try to give back whatever I can.

There's a lot of delicious stuff to be had in the games too. If you ever pick up FFXIV let me know - my server is usually open to new players, and I have a good crew of friendly people who love running stuff with new folks.

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