Imposter Syndrome
May. 20th, 2020 02:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rynlingToday I learned that everyone who went up for tenure and promotion this year in my department at George Mason University was approved... except for me. Along with the (temporary) loss of health insurance and a stable salary, this is a hard punch to roll with, especially in the middle of a pandemic. I thought I had an extremely strong record of publishing, teaching, and service; and, although I obviously couldn't see more than a few excerpts of their letters of support, my internal and outside recommenders seemed to agree.
I've got a serious case of imposter syndrome right now.
Was I totally delusional in thinking that I was doing good work?
It's weird. I want to put this all behind me, but at the same time I want to be seen and understood and comforted and sympathized with. That being said, I have no patience for anyone who might attempt to do so in a way that's ignorant of the realities of academia or condescending to me as a professional, so I'm hesitant to reach out to anyone. I guess I'm a little afraid that, in the way of such things, there are going to be people who see me go through this experience and use it as the sole basis for a negative judgment of my character and ability.
What I really want, however, is to be taken off all of the university listserves so I can stop being reminded of all of this unpleasantness every time I open my email.
I've got a serious case of imposter syndrome right now.
Was I totally delusional in thinking that I was doing good work?
It's weird. I want to put this all behind me, but at the same time I want to be seen and understood and comforted and sympathized with. That being said, I have no patience for anyone who might attempt to do so in a way that's ignorant of the realities of academia or condescending to me as a professional, so I'm hesitant to reach out to anyone. I guess I'm a little afraid that, in the way of such things, there are going to be people who see me go through this experience and use it as the sole basis for a negative judgment of my character and ability.
What I really want, however, is to be taken off all of the university listserves so I can stop being reminded of all of this unpleasantness every time I open my email.
