The Adventures of King Spinach, Part Two

[rynling]

In Elden Ring, there is a turtle pope. His actual name is “Miriel, Pastor of Vows,” but everyone calls him “turtle pope” because he’s literally a giant tortoise wearing a bishop’s mitre. (I’m not sure if you get the pope hat if you kill him, and I’m not going to find out.) Miriel presides over the Church of Vows, where you can offer a semi-rare consumable item called Celestial Dew to reset NPC hostility, which is triggered by attacking someone or killing their friends.

Having bravely fled through Caria Manor, King Spinach has emerged onto the Liurnia highlands. This area is notable for its three wizard towers. One of these towers is abandoned. Ranni (the moon witch waifu everyone is still drawing porn of) lives in another tower. The last tower is the layer of Preceptor Seluvis, one of Ranni’s servants who happens to have the coolest costume in the game.

Seluvis is also one of the vilest characters in Elden Ring. His deal is that he turns people into living dolls, which he almost certainly uses for unsavory purposes in his secret basement dungeon. Even though the Welsh voice actor who delivers Seluvis’s lines is beyond amazing, I’m not a fan of the character.

I do like his wizard robes, though. Peaches waited until Seluvis died of plot-related complications to get his clothing, but I had King Spinach murder him immediately. If Ranni got upset, I figured King Spinach could just pay a visit to the turtle pope for absolution.

But it turns out that Ranni is totally cool with King Spinach killing Seluvis. Elden Ring asks the player to get onboard with all sorts of questionable behavior, but I appreciate that the game draws the line at being a creepy sexpest.

So now King Spinach, who still has zero intelligence, gets to wear super sweet wizard robes.

Comments

[lassarina]

Strut those wizard robes, King Spinach!

[rynling]

Thank you for supporting King Spinach. He is very mighty, but he still needs all the help he can get.

As an aside, I've had him running around in the robes, and I've noticed something wild. My previous character wore metal armor, which would quickly become splashed with blood. The wizard robes, however, absorb blood.

So I can only imagine that a dedicated team of people sat down, and they were like. What do formal academic gowns look like when they absorb blood. Let us study this so we can accurately recreate the physics.

[lassarina]

You know, it would not be the weirdest thing someone has researched in pursuit of art. My search engine history (between writing and running LARP) is....a whole thing.

[rynling]

I hear you. I hope the FBI agents who are checking up on us after our search histories landed us on some kind of list have the courtesy to leave kudos on our stories on AO3.

[lassarina]

It seems like the least they could do!