The Tragic Lost Emo Children of 2017

[rynling]

People kept telling me to play Nier Automata, so when the new edition – sorry, NieR:Automata™ Game of the YoRHa Edition – came out I finally quit trying to figure out the Great Shitty Crystal of Giruvegan without a walkthrough and turned off Final Fantasy XII. Games that trap you in long repetitive dungeons with no save points are THE WORST and NO FUN AT ALL; and, as much as I hated that shit back when I was playing Final Fantasy IV on the Super Nintendo, I hate it even more now. (See also: why I quit playing I Am Setsuna.) I might come back to Final Fantasy XII when it comes out on the Switch, but for now I’m done.

I was told to go into Nier Automata without knowing anything or trying to look up spoilers, so here I am. I played for about an hour last night, and so far I’m unimpressed and very, very bored.

The player-character is a sixteen-year-old robot who dresses like it’s Lolita night at the Goth club, and she’s all “emotions are prohibited” because she’s an edgelord. Or edgelady, as she has a boob window and shiny exposed upper thighs (because the game really wants me to want to fuck this sixteen-year-old robot I guess). Despite being named after a pencil, she thinks sixteen-year-old edgelady thoughts like “when do I get to kill the god who created a world where we have to die,” and the lore contained in the menu screen weapon data is excerpted from the same emo LiveJournal.

Goth robot pencil girl has two companions: A sweet boy robot mapmaker who probably has some dark secret or something, and a floating robot murder friend. Sweet robot boy mapmaker (also named after a pencil) is growing on me, but I’m really here for the floating robot murder friend, who is a very cute and helpful little one.

Anyway, the game starts you off in 2D bullet hell, which is probably my second least favorite game genre. You then progress to 3D bullet hell, which is my absolute least favorite game genre. While firing bullets back at enemies by means of your floating robot murder friend, you also have to control Goth robot pencil girl and the game’s camera all at the same time. I am notoriously bad at games, but this literally hurt my hands, and the constant flashing lights and explosions and camera jerks gave me a headache.

This would be fine if it were just an opening sequence, but this series of bullet hell battles leads directly to a long repetitive dungeon with no save points.

I am getting real tired of Square Enix’s shit tbh.

I will keep playing, but only because of peer pressure. Also, I hear that eventually you can talk to the robot enemy characters, which I am very much looking forward to because they are adorable.

Comments

[auronlu]

For what it's worth, I wrecked my hands creating this map of/guide to Giruvegan, if you ever venture back into FFXII. If it's not clear on the map, my notation shows the uphill end of each ramp as wide, the downhill end as narrow.

[lassarina]

Auronlu, have I mentioned you're a fucking treasure? Because my god, but you are.

[auronlu]

Hey, y'all did commentaries for EVERY DANGED FF as far as I can tell, plus I remember running across your own game guides back in the day. We save other gamers tedium so they can find the fun bits, eh?

[lassarina]

We're not done with 13, Type-0, and havent' started XV....but there I go diminishing, so. Fair point. ♥

We definitely do. They're labours of love.

[runicmagitek]

Oh my god my boyfriend and I used this during our Zodiac Age playthrough when we pursued Ultima thank you a million times over for this gem

Also, one of my friends said he stumbled upon Ultima by accident while exploring Giruvegan. I still don't believe him. One does not stumble anywhere in that hot mess.

[rynling]

I was actually using your map, which is one of my favorite things. I downloaded it when I started playing the PS4 release of FFXII, but I put the game down and didn't return to it for more than a year. When I was looking for something else in my FFXII folder, I found the files for your map and remembered how excited I was about finally being able to use it, which is why I picked the game up again. True story!

Unfortunately, I had trouble in the Great Crystal for other reasons, not in the least of which was that I stupidly leveled up the characters with the wrong combination of skills to make it through that dungeon, alas. I wanted to leave and do some grinding, but alas, the dungeon doesn't let you leave until you get to the end.

Just in case you don't hear it enough, your website is a treasure and a blessing. I'm teaching my "Video Games and Japan" class again this semester, but I'm using Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker as the main text instead of FFX. I relied on your insight and commentary so much when I was teaching FFX that it felt like you were almost a co-teacher, and going it alone on Wind Waker this time around is kind of lonely tbh.

[auronlu]

Oh wow. Thank you so much, that's really rewarding to hear.

I really oughta finish that commentary someday!