2019 Weekly Writing Log, Part 3

- My Haunted Haiku zine is printed and in my hands! I sent a bunch of copies to friends and then created a listing for it on Etsy. Creating four zines in four months feels like an accomplishment! 

- I also applied to the DC Zine Fest just about as soon as the application went live. Tables are distributed according to a lottery, and I have never won anything in my life, so I probably won’t get in, but wouldn’t it be great if I did?

- I’m still working on putting together a Wind Waker haiku zine, and this week I made a bunch of art for it and got started on the layout. It’s going to be a really cool book when it’s finished, if I do say so myself.

- I commissioned one of my favorite Dragon Age artists, @geezmarty on Tumblr, to draw Balthazar and Ceres from The Demon King. Their illustration is gorgeous and super cute, and I love it! I’ve been sending artists various descriptions of the characters and the novel, and it’s been a lot of fun to see how they’re interpreted. Once the semester is over and I have a bit more free time, I’d love to start drawing all of these designs myself.

- Speaking of which, I’ve also been working with @evaisonart on Twitter to design Zelda and Ganondorf for my newest Zelgan fic, Malice. This has been an incredible experience, and it deserves its own post, so I’ll write more about it once the finalized designs have been posted.

- I also worked on another commission with a Zelda fandom artist whose work I just discovered a few months ago. We had a great conversation via Twitter and email, and she created a phenomenal illustration, but she never posted it. Since she’s very active and friendly, I was a little surprised, but then I went to her Twitter and saw that she recently made a series of tweets about how people in fandom should just ignore other people in fandom who like characters and ships that they don’t like, and… This could just be me being paranoid, but I get the feeling that something unpleasant went down. I linked to my account on Tumblr in my initial inquiry email, so I don’t think the artist has a problem with me specifically, but I can’t help but think that I unwittingly dragged her into some sort of stupid fandom discourse. I’m not gonna lie, the possibility that this is what happened hurt a lot, and I feel awful for the artist (even if what prompted her tweets has nothing to do with me). In any case, what I think I’ll do is wait a few months and then ask if she’s okay with me posting the piece myself.

This week I had my mandatory annual in-person Title IX training seminar, and it triggered the shit out of me. I don’t object to sexual assault prevention education in principle, of course, but the way the State of Virginia handles it is far from ideal. “Compliance” took just about all of my energy, and I wasn’t able to write.

But I did have some great conversations with artists I admire, and I was able to spend some quality time with Photoshop while listening to the Game Grumps playthrough of Skyward Sword. This wasn’t the best week, but somehow I made it through.

Re: 2019 Weekly Writing Log, Part 3

I haven't been doing much writing recently, and I think the only way to deal with this is to just sit down for ten to twenty minutes every single day and write. The joy and feeling of freedom and flight will come, but first I have to put my butt in the chair.

The problem is the first five minutes of each writing session, during which I am utterly consumed by self-loathing.

There's also the walk to my car in my apartment building's underground parking deck (which is where I write these days since it gets no wireless signal), during which I feel super self-conscious and remember every single mean thing anyone has ever said to or about me on Tumblr.

I really enjoy writing, but I wish it didn't have so many negative associations for me. I've tried all sorts of sensible ideas (as well as downright weird ones) to knock myself out of this cycle of negativity, but I think the only thing that's really going to work is to get some sort of positive feedback, and I have yet to figure out how to make that happen, unfortunately.

Numbers, Luck, and a Very Small Window

So I found a short essay…

Ten Simple Ways To Get More Attention For Your Fanwork
https://melannen.dreamwidth.org/354977.html

This is all reasonable, at least in my experience, but the truth is that fandom engagement seems to have dropped off for most writers during the past two years. Almost no one posts or links to their fic on Tumblr anymore, but what I do see are posts with massive numbers of notes about how painful it is to be ignored by your fandom, possible reasons why no one leaves kudos anymore, and so on.

There’s a pervasive idea that you can build your own audience if you’re consistent and good at what you do, but the most popular thing I ever wrote was a steaming heap of garbage that I posted on FFN back when FFN was still mainstream in, like, 2009. I think a lot about how maybe I missed a window of opportunity, and how maybe I just wasn’t born in the right year. Like, maybe if I were a little older, maybe I would have been able to “make it” before social media blew up and collapsed in on itself. Or maybe, if I were younger, I would have had access to the resources and platforms that could have helped me develop my skills and community when I was still a student.

I’m afraid that the real truth is that some people are never going to make it, and maybe I’m just one of those people, unfortunately. Even worse, maybe my entire generation is never going to make it.

I don’t have a positive conclusion, except to say that I’m happy to be a shill for anyone who asks; it would be an honor and a pleasure. I’m actually planning on making a post about this at some point before the end of the month, but first I have to figure out what a sustainable level of “shill” would be for me.