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rynlingI’m currently writing the third-to-last chapter of Malice.
I’ve been working on this novel for a little more than two years, and I think it’s going to weigh in at around 115,000 words, which is a respectable length. Along the way, I’ve put each individual chapter through multiple rounds of editing, responded to hundreds of comments, and commissioned fifteen illustrations. As far as trashy monster romance fanfiction goes, I’ve put a lot of energy into this project.
But it’s difficult. This chapter is the climax of the novel in every way that matters, and I’ve been struggling with how to approach it ever since I came up with the initial concept for the story. I’m not the most talented writer to begin with, and this chapter is especially tricky to write.
Even if I do manage to pull it off, though, it doesn’t matter. I feel like this story never really found a readership, and it’s almost certainly going to be forgotten as soon as it stops updating and gradually falls to the bottom of the tags. And that’s really difficult to process, that even my best work just... isn’t that good, maybe.
I’m not complaining. I mean, I developed my writing and editing skills and met some friends along the way, and that’s amazing. But facing my own lack of success and possible lack of talent every time I sit down to finish this story isn’t easy. In fact, it’s hardcore depression-inducing, and that’s not a joke.
This is why I want to say how much the kudos people leave on this fic mean to me. I see and treasure every single one of them, and it’s not an exaggeration to say that looking forward to emails from AO3 was the only way I was able to get through the relentless horror of the past two years.
It may seem like such a small and insignificant act to leave kudos on a story on AO3, but honestly, it means the world to me – and probably to a lot of other writers as well. It’s wild to say this, but sometimes all it takes is just the simple click of a button to be a hero.
I’ve been working on this novel for a little more than two years, and I think it’s going to weigh in at around 115,000 words, which is a respectable length. Along the way, I’ve put each individual chapter through multiple rounds of editing, responded to hundreds of comments, and commissioned fifteen illustrations. As far as trashy monster romance fanfiction goes, I’ve put a lot of energy into this project.
But it’s difficult. This chapter is the climax of the novel in every way that matters, and I’ve been struggling with how to approach it ever since I came up with the initial concept for the story. I’m not the most talented writer to begin with, and this chapter is especially tricky to write.
Even if I do manage to pull it off, though, it doesn’t matter. I feel like this story never really found a readership, and it’s almost certainly going to be forgotten as soon as it stops updating and gradually falls to the bottom of the tags. And that’s really difficult to process, that even my best work just... isn’t that good, maybe.
I’m not complaining. I mean, I developed my writing and editing skills and met some friends along the way, and that’s amazing. But facing my own lack of success and possible lack of talent every time I sit down to finish this story isn’t easy. In fact, it’s hardcore depression-inducing, and that’s not a joke.
This is why I want to say how much the kudos people leave on this fic mean to me. I see and treasure every single one of them, and it’s not an exaggeration to say that looking forward to emails from AO3 was the only way I was able to get through the relentless horror of the past two years.
It may seem like such a small and insignificant act to leave kudos on a story on AO3, but honestly, it means the world to me – and probably to a lot of other writers as well. It’s wild to say this, but sometimes all it takes is just the simple click of a button to be a hero.
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Date: 2021-05-21 03:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-24 07:37 pm (UTC)And it’s not great that Square Enix never gave Final Fantasy VI the HD rerelease that it deserves.
For what it’s worth, I read your story and loved it. I read it twice, actually, and I am looking forward to reading it again. Honestly, as much as I love FFVI, I like your story even better, and one day I will be good enough to draw the sort of fan art and fan comics that Darkness and Starlight deserves. It’s incredible both as a romance and as an enjoyable and well-written work of fiction, and the fact that it exists is meaningful. And amazing! Seriously, it’s some next-level good shit.
(And this isn’t the place to have this discussion, but so is the story you wrote for me about Kentucky Route Zero. It’s one of my goals this summer to finish and post the comments I started writing, and once that’s done maybe we could have a serious talk about what that story can do, because damn it’s good.)
I’d like to think that, if there’s ever a quality rerelease or adaptation of FFVI, then Darkness and Starlight is going to have some long legs. I saw this happen with a lot of older Good Omens fanfic; and, if giant explosions of love and positive feedback could happen in that formerly small and sleepy fandom, then I can’t even imagine what might happen in FFVI fandom, which still sees dozens of amazing dōjinshi released every year by artists who are currently working as high-profile professional manga artists, character designers, and game developers. I feel like, with so much love and talent, there’s no way that FFVI won’t have its Good Omens moment (or Breath of the Wild moment, at the very least) in the cultural spotlight.
I apologize for the long and totally off-topic comment, but I just really like that story a whole lot.
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Date: 2021-05-26 12:50 pm (UTC)Also THANK YOU for your awesome stories!! Geez, I still think about The Modern History of Zelda and The Villain of Time a lot. Like the latter is one of the very few fics that made me cry. And the worldbuilding and magic meta and introspective insights from the source material? DAMN. That's the good shit. Thank you for your stories. I know I'm one of the slowest readers and the past year and a half has not made reading anything easier, let alone fics, but do know whenever I sit down to finally read your stories, I love every damn second. And if your email crashes due to a flood of AO3 comments on Malice when I eventually sit down to read it? I'm not even sorry.
(also also - more happy tears knowing how much you enjoyed that KRZ fic oh my goodness. I poured WAY too much of my own experiences into that fic and a huge reason it went the direction it did was because I knew you would get it, for a lack of better words. I am game for any and all serious talks whenever you are ready! 💕)
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Date: 2021-05-24 07:43 pm (UTC)Other than this inexplicable onset of a kind of "what the fuck am I even doing with this" malaise, I haven't felt depressed about writing in a long time, mainly because I somehow managed to surround myself with kind and talented people who make me feel special by association.
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Date: 2021-05-26 12:55 pm (UTC)Ugh, that's a bag of dicks. I hope that depression fucked right off eventually. Nothing's worse than your mind does nonsense like that, even more so when it's trigger from something random like a vaccine shot :\ and YOU'RE kind and talented too! *flails at above comment I wrote* don't believe
Ondore's liesthose depressive thoughts! 💕no subject
Date: 2021-05-27 08:33 pm (UTC)I feel like this about Every Light Casts A Shadow. It's not my best writing because I started it 15 years ago and I have grown a lot since then; and who's really going to take a chance on a 170K postgame AU about Kain Highwind? Not that many people. If someone did have an interest, more likely than not they put it in "mark for later" and it'll always be too long. And that's OK; I'm pretty satisfied with the story itself and what I did with it, but also, it's sad because I wrote an epic in a small fandom and it's just gonna hang out there.
I am sorry that trying to finish Malice is putting such a weight and strain on you, though :(