Small Steps Forward

[rynling]

Man. This depression sure isn’t going away.

I’m trying to think about what would make me happy, and I just don’t know. The little things (like exercising, eating well, sleeping, and taking time to relax) aren’t making much of a difference, while the big things (like having a supportive family and close friends who live nearby) are completely out of my control. I’d also like to go to the ocean for two or three days, but… Animal Crossing is probably as close as I can get to that right now.

I think that, more than anything, I would still very much sell my soul to have talent. I understand that most of “talent” is nothing more than putting in the time, but I want to have enough talent that I enjoy putting in the time instead of hating myself every time I sit down to write or draw. I also want to have enough talent that I reach a minimum threshold of positive feedback so that I can feel motivated to start, polish, and finish projects instead of dreading the moment when I post or submit my work.

I guess what I want is to feel seen and heard and included, and to have the platform and energy to help other people feel seen and heard and included. And I’m just not sure how to make that happen.

Before anything, I’d like to wrap up a few remaining loose ends. For me right now, this means finishing Malice and commissioning someone to draw the one last comic I wrote for the Zelda fandom.

Comments

[lassarina]

I don't have any suggestions, but I see you and I sympathize.

[rynling]

Thank you!

It's funny, but a few years ago I was chatting with a friend who used to write extremely popular stories for the Zelda/Link fandom (which, oddly enough, I didn't find out about until I'd known her for years). While we were drinking one evening, I asked her why she didn't consider filing off the serial numbers of one of her longer stories and submitting it somewhere. I understand that this doesn't work with all fanfic, of course, but the archetypes of the Zelda games are fairly broad, especially when it comes to that particular ship. Given what a talented writer she is, and given that her stories have demonstrated so much appeal to a relatively large audience, I thought she had a decent chance of making it.

(And also, selfishly, I wanted to read more of her work, and I wanted people to pay her to write more stories.)

She was like, "Lol no. Maybe I could take one or two rejections, or even a dozen, but after that all the joy would be gone."

I didn't get that then, but damn. I sure do now.

Between one thing and another, I sometimes get the feeling that a lot of people in fandom don't know exceedingly fortunate they are to have such incredible writers producing a steady stream of high-quality that's completely free and accessible. As much as I love Tumblr, sometimes I also think it's one of the worst things to happen to fandom in the way it marginalizes fanfic writers and subjects them to purity wank.

I'm surely not the only person struggling with these frustrations, but I'm still thinking about how to address this in a meaningful way. In the meantime, it's good to know you're out there and supporting your friends and creating interesting work of your own!

[lassarina]

The rejection is definitely something that has been on my mind (and the purity wank, because some of that is spreading to pro writing in a way I think is, ah, not helpful, because I can't help but notice how much of it lands on writers who are women, queer, or PoC (or the Venn diagram overlap of those things.) Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't rather throw my original stuff up on AO3 under this name instead of trying to do the entire publishing song and dance.

My public library book club had Seanan McGuire as a guest when we read two of her books (the Mira Grant Into the Drowning Deep and then Rosemary and Rue) and someone asked her what her advice for writers was, and she said that unless you really, really want the actual experience of being formally published for some reason, just write fanfic, you'll be happier.

That has definitely stuck with me because I've spent the last, oh, ten years slowly moving myself more toward "publishable" original fiction and away from fandom, and now I'm taking a hard look at that decision. What if I decided to self-pub in ebook with a relatively ready-made audience from fandom, using my fandom name? What if I just....hung out here in the space I've curated?

It's not a question *yet*, of course, because to make any decisions there I would have to finish and edit an entire piece and god, editing is my bane, but it's definitely something that lurks.

[rynling]

> What if I decided to self-pub in ebook with a relatively ready-made audience from fandom, using my fandom name? What if I just....hung out here in the space I've curated?

I would 100% buy and read and promote the shit out of this.

I think, in a comment a few months ago, you wrote something to the effect of, "But who would read a long novel about the characters from Final Fantasy IV?" I wanted to be like, "I would!" but the truth is more complicated. To simplify, I have so many accumulated feelings both about fandom and about the original texts that I'm starting to prefer fanfic-style writing about "original" worlds and characters. I don't want to say that I'm growing out of fandom, but rather... Idk, the Final Fantasy franchise occupies such a specific place in my life and heart that going back to that world would be strange and uncomfortable, even though there are some extremely talented people writing for the fandom.

(That being said, I'm already starting to get the feeling that I'm going to become super invested in FFXVI, and it's good to know that your novel will always be out there waiting for me!)

I hear you about the purity wank, though. Based on my own intensely negative experiences with trying to get original work published, I'm starting to think that the process has a "cockroach effect" in which only the nastiest and least sensitive people survive.

[lassarina]

I think it's hard when fandom is very formative for a person (it certainly was for me) and it changes around you. Like. I am not the same person I was when I started that massive FF4 novel; I am not the same person I was when I finished it. And fandom is a very different space now than it was in the early 2000s. The friendships I have maintained from that point are near and dear to me, but fandom itself is the sort of place where if I were just getting into it now, I might back away slowly and carefully. I can still curate my experience to a degree, but I fell off writing and reading a lot.

(Then again I also had a nice big multi-year depression/anxiety wallow so perhaps it's related in part to that as well.)

I haven't made any formal decisions yet on the question of whether/where I'd publish original work, but I want you to know that your enthusiasm and support are so meaningful and make me happy to think that someone cares that I write things. Thank you so much.

[runicmagitek]

Yeah, I'm 100% with lassarina. I wish I had some magical cure-all to offer because this shit sucks, but I totally feel you and hope the depression packs its bags sooner than later. Lotsa love for you, my friend 💕

[rynling]

Thank you! 💕💕💕

Writing and submitting original fiction is a singularly unpleasant experience! I don't think this is an excuse for people to be mean to one another, but I'm starting to understand why so many writers are so unpleasant on social media. Especially YA fiction and genre writers, who have to face an insane level of competition.

It's kind of a shame that no one covered any of this in any of the lit classes I took in college and grad school. I feel like I'm now seeing how hot dogs are made, and it's upsetting!