rynling | The Adventures of King Spinach

This past weekend, I was trying to play through the fifth dungeon in Tears of the Kingdom, the Construct Factory. This dungeon is not great, and I don't want to talk about it! Suffice it to say that the dungeon was so shitty that my husband was like, How much does it cost to buy a PlayStation 5.

So we got up from the couch, drove to Target, and bought a PlayStation 5. I didn't transfer almost any data from the PS4, but I did download Elden Ring and import my save files. My first Tarnished, Peaches, is still up on the floating islands of Farum Azula, and there he will stay.

Meanwhile, I have resumed the adventures of my second Tarnished, who is named King Spinach. King Spinach is exactly the same build as Peaches, except: (a) his stats are properly optimized, (b) I don't need to use a shield so often, so I'm focusing on dexterity instead of strength, (c) he wears slutty Himbo Armor, and (d) I made his skin a few shades lighter so I can see the blush on his cheeks.

King Spinach is significantly better at not dying than Peaches was, but he's still being bridal-carried through the boss fights by Lhutel the Headless (my beloved), a very tanky summon spirit. I did manage to solo King Spinach against Rennala, the headmistress of the wizard school, as his "zero intelligence" build is very good at murdering wizards.

For the past two days, King Spinach has been exploring Rennala's former home of Caria Manor, a haunted castle on a hill above the sprawling swamp of Liurnia. The courtyard of Caria Manor is infested with Fingercreepers, which are giant disembodied hands (like Thing from The Addams Family) with too many fingers. What Fingercreepers like to do is hang from the upper reaches of the architecture like spiders and then drop down on you. Sometimes they bury themselves in the earth, and if you don't notice the tips of their fingernails poking from the soil they'll pop out and grab you.

If you're wondering what it's like to be chased by a giant monstrous hand-spider across the misty courtyard of a ruined castle in a PlayStation 5 game on a huge Ultra HD television, allow me to assure you that it's fantastic. This is the American Dream.